2025 - Change
This past year was filled with milestones...
“The happiest days are when babies come” – Melanie Wilkes, Gone With the Wind.
As most of you know I sign every missive with a variety of names by which I have been called over the years. This year I add another….Papa K. On November 18th Margaret “Maisie” Hargrave-Kerns came into our lives. She’s the first child of Katty and Tim, she’s the first grandchild of all the grandparents and she’s the first niece (or nephew for that matter) for Maura & Erin and also Tim’s siblings, Al and Imo. (Tammy & Christen – see what I did there?) It would be an understatement to say that we are already over the moon in love with this little miss!
On October 3rd Maura and Anthony were married in a celebration that came close to the one that Maura as been envisioning since she was 10 years old. We have considered Anthony part of the family for years now, and it is great to make it official. It was an amazing day!
Speaking of amazing…Our other two sons-in-law, Tim and Jhawer became U.S. citizens this year. Congratulations to you both!!
These events have brought joy into our lives. They each represent the beginning of new chapters, and with each new chapter comes…change. The Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, is purported to have said the painfully obvious phrase, “The only constant is change”. Oh, boy, did we experience that “constant” this past year.
Those of you who know me well know that I don’t always handle change well. I tend to romanticize what was instead of embracing what is. In past missives I have written about trying to be accepting and grateful for the present moment, and how that is sometimes a heavy lift. This Thanksgiving I’d like to look at it from a very specific angle, the gratitude of accepting change.
Stay with me here (slight stream of consciousness) ….
Change is inevitable, but what is not inevitable is how we deal with that change. I expect everyone has bouts of nostalgia every now and then and long for the “good ‘ol days”, the glory days when “times were simpler”. The thing is, every generation says the same thing, and I imagine 30 years from now Maisie and her generation will be saying it as well. We say “simpler”, but what I suspect we really mean is different. When we try to hold on to the past, which of course we can’t, we lose sight of the fact that the present will one day be thought of as that simpler period. The current state of our lives and of the world is a result of the past changes that have occurred. This, of course, is logical. It is based on physics (or is it metaphysics) and cannot be controlled. AND, the effect of most changes is unknowable. Even if a future change can be predicted, such as those that have occurred in our lives that I mentioned above, the effect of those changes cannot. Maybe this is the source of my anxiety regarding change; that it is beyond my control coupled with the fear of the unknown. We do tend to fear the unknown. So, how do I get over this anxiety about change? That is the question that I am contemplating this Thanksgiving. (Whew…got there).
I have often written that we are who we are, what we are, and where we are because of all the people we have encountered and the events we have experienced, and how I am grateful for those people and experiences. If that’s true, then why do I still have anxiety over change and its eventual effects? Again, as I contemplate this question, I realized that it is about a perceived lack of control and the fear of the unknown. However, while I may not always control what changes, I can control how I react to those changes, in fact that is really one of few things we can control. In Viktor Frankl’s famous book, “A Man’s Search for Meaning”, he states that "Everything can be taken away from [us] but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." We can find gratitude in each change that occurs by controlling how we choose our own way. Even challenges, while they may be daunting when they happen, can strengthen our resolve, teach us new lessons, allow us to appreciate and love others who may help during a tough time, etc. This attitude of gratitude, (I know, I’m not a fan of that phrase either…too trite…but it works), really does help me. Ok, that helps with coping with change as it happens, but what about the fear of not knowing the effects of change?
The fear of the unknown is real for a lot of people, and I consider myself among them. Understanding that I can control how I react to any situation, (thank you, Viktor), helps mitigate this fear. I know that it is possible to have a sense of gratitude in almost any circumstance. Even if we have something as tragic as losing a loved one, we can view our lives with them and the memories we have of them with gratitude.
This Thanksgiving I will attempt to be grateful for the changes that have occurred in our lives, and knowing that I can control how I react to “any given set of circumstances” I will try to not fear the impact of any future change that will inevitably arise.
I am grateful for the love and guidance that Jeanmarie shows me every day, (even if sometimes I try to resist that guidance ). I am grateful for the love that Katty, Maura, and Erin show me and the trust that they have in their old dad. I am grateful that they have found wonderful life partners; Tim, Anthony and Jhawer. I am so grateful for the changes that each of these three men have brought into our lives. AND I am so grateful for Little Miss Maisie.💓 She’s only been in our lives for one week and already she’s created such an impactful change for all of us. She does have a burden, though. She is the first in so many ways AND being the cutest baby ever born is a huge burden 😁
May the changes that occur during this holiday season and beyond bring you peace and gratitude. Please be safe!
Tom (a/k/a dad, PAPA K, TK, Tommy, Kernsy, #papakerns, Hit Man, Grandpa, the Professor, Face, Mr. Bean, PT (poor Tom), Timbo, and of course “Tickles” – don’t ask).
Annual Caveat
For those of you who have been part of this tradition, (some of you from the very beginning), I hope that I have not bored you with my narcissistic babble over the years. For those who are new to this tradition I say, “Welcome!” As always, if anyone wants to be excluded from these annual emails, please let me know. I will not be offended, I promise.